4.15.2008

Every New Beginning

marks a beginning's end.

You know, it's been awhile since I've sat down and just written whatever came to me in a blog. And to be perfectly honest, all the things I had to say in their perfectly captured order have suddenly left my consciousness. And here I am, with just a few things swirling in my mind. Hoping I've not fallen into that place I never said I'd go back again.

"It's been one of those days
When everything just feels so far away
Hope don't be a stranger
Won't you help me make it through today?
Someone tell me how I
Stumble into doubting all the time
Some days I'm all together
And other days I stand here asking 'Why?'
"*

Needless to say, I'm bummed the team has gone. However, I have been talking to them (oh, modern technology). So, it's not so bad as waiting a few weeks to get a letter. Though, strangely, I'm beginning to miss phone calls. (I'll happily be calling Kaleigh tonight.) I've been keeping up with some by email, messaging, IM... It's not the same, of course. But it is sufficient.

Complaining is the last thing I want to do. I have nothing to complain or be sad about. And I don't think that I am. So, I'm inclined to keep silent, since I have no logical way of describing it. And this whole thing is probably just a sorry attempt to postpone cleaning or homework. Which makes me sound like a flibbertigibbet. (Yes, that is a real word. And it cheered me by just typing it and imagining some of your reactions...or attempts at pronunciation.)


Every new beginning marks a beginning's end.
I thought, at first, that is what happened over the team. That I marked the beginning of a new level, a new step. And that I had left the last behind. Maybe I did, in some small ways. Then again, maybe I've started the circle all over again. The one I'd tried very hard to detach myself from for so long. And I'm wondering if I've been ringed back into it again--against my will. The way it was talked about over and over again...

Maybe I'm just over-thinking all of this. But this was something I hadn't realized until it was pointed out to me. And I'm still debating whether it is good or bad that it was pointed out. I think I could point to the end of that beginning and the beginning of what will hopefully end soon. I probably shouldn't have opened my big mouth. Maybe then it wouldn't have been egged on so much.

Then again, aren't some thing inevitable? Is this one of those things?
Luckily, this is written solely for my benefit. The fact that any readers of this post are most likely lost or bewildered at this point only means you are sane.

I've no idea where my book is, and it's about to drive me crazy. My guess is that I'll find it (not surprisingly) after I clean my room. If I don't, then I'll get worried. It's one of those journey books. And I was at my

...[I was called away for a time lapse of about two hours]...

You know, doing what you ought can lift your mood.
Playing praise and worship music while doing what you ought can lift your spirits considerably.

Still yet to find my book...s.
Life goes on.

-=end maddening Brittany mind process=-


Oh for Pete's sake.
________
*lyrics by MercyMe, "Never Alone"

2 comments:

Jenny said...

oh brisni!

i understood the mind process of your blog
BUT as im not you, i didnt pick up the reason

so am i then merely half sane?

we dwell on similar mind levels my dear- its a amazing, scary, brilliant place is it not?

is this all comprised of your secret journey then?
because i wish to comfort you like you are such a comfort to me..

i read over your inscription in my Bible last night---


~there is an oasis in your desert~
_________________

i hope things get better my friend- you are one of the strongest individuals i know and so i am quite positive this will not keep you down for long. satan knows just exactly where and how to get ya to try and take you out. and just when you are at your highest for God, Satan will hit you with all he has.
so all these thoughts- the mind wars your having- the circles that are making you dizzy

keep your chin up
you stance set
and
keep hoping
:)

love ya chica



-jen

Cheizi said...

uh...yes, lost indeed.

I heard that word in The Sound of Music!

I love you my darling. And I have some other things to tell you, but since I do have the amazing blessing of seeing you face to face, I'll wait for one of those moments. I'm so blessed and sometimes I wonder if I even realize it.

I love you darling, you are the bestest friend ever. EVER.

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