It's Not That

...It's not that I haven't been writing.

I have a daily prayer journal and two other journals besides to prove that.
And I suppose it's not that I've been too lazy to write a decent post, nor that I've been too busy. I just... haven't. Does that make sense? Actually, I haven't written a post like this in a long time. You might be able to count November's entry... but I think it's more along the lines of June.
Just writing to write. To spill those words out on the page. I kind of just want to let my thoughts come and go as they please with this one. And maybe I've been a little bit hesitant with this because it tends to be a bit revealing. That makes for good writing, I suppose.
Lately I've been doing so much work. And yet, so little. But soooo much. This I will not be able to explain correctly. Hmm, fighting procrastination, I would rather be talking with friends, doing photography, catching sunshine, dancing with the wind. Wouldn't everyone rather be doing that though? Living an adventure instead of reading about them. I will soon enough. I am living an adventure. This is part of it. One of those tedious parts. Like when you have to cross a river in the winter. The water is so cold when you touch it. So you jump from rock to rock. From wobbly, slippery rock to rock. Balancing, often falling, and most likely getting more wet than if you had just tread the water.

It's kind of hard to do this while watching a movie.
I could go for some real milk and oreos right now.

God is so good. (I told you, like thoughts flowing out of my head.) I was accepted into the college I applied to! A friend of mine also found out recently that she was accepted as well. We hope to be roommates. Which will be so fun.
Every time I think about that, about leaving, I get a knot in my stomach. It's exciting. It's new. It's part of this adventure. But the scenery has been so nice here. It's so familiar. Warm, friendly and inviting. I know it's not going to be easy to go from being with my family 24/7 to six weeks away from them... Here's the thing: This is my home now. Problem is, I don't really know where that is anymore. You know how they say home is where the heart is? Well my heart is torn in so many different directions. Huge chunks reaching across the ocean and seas. I have a picture in one of my many journals of it. It's like a puzzle piece heart. It has arrows coming out of it that point at different words: Friends, Family, Dreams, Hopes, This, That, and the Other...
But more of you, O Lord. More love. Don't stop it... make the vessel larger. May my heart grow to contain it and continue to reach out. Overflowing...

It all makes sense. Life makes wonderful sense. It's not about having all the answers, it's having faith and trusting in the One who does. "Love is wild for reasons" and we all want it so bad.

It's just something we can't quite explain.


Ashley Goes Vintage said...

amazing post. It's so genuine and beautiful. Reflects one's thoughts about life and maybe that place where you stand before crossroads.

I can really identify in the heart going in different directions. sometimes my heart goes somewhere else and i have to try to talk some sense into it. I don't want to leave a place where It's all i know. Living someplace else? forget it! I used to vacation with my grandma for 2 months and i would cry the lasts weeks cause i wanted to see my mommy. I don't even want to imagine staring in my own adventure where she isn't able to guide me or hug me as much as she does now.
But then again, it's a new adventure. And Adventures always bring their own kind of blessings.

JoshuaMB said...

I definitely know what you mean by not knowing where your home is now. I could always use the argument that home is always where your family is. So in my case home would be NYC then. But other then our house there, I never liked the city all that much. I always felt like I was meant to live somewhere else.

Then, with the Navy, I went to Guam and I loved it out there. The warmth 24/7. Water is crystal clear everywhere. World War II relics everywhere. I thought for sure I would want to keep living there. But now, here I am in Hawaii. Just like Guam except a little more crowded and it does get colder here.

I just don't know anymore. I have a feeling my last year in Guam will be a hard one. Just trying to figure out exactly what I'm going to do and where I'm going to live when I get out of the Navy.

But I still have a while before that happens. Hopefully when the moment comes I'll have everything figured out.

Will said...

I love dark oreo's. Would be nice to sit on a mountaintop somewhere (maybe Peru?) and share some oreos...and REAL milk.

Happy studies.

kaleigh said...

That post was refreshingly simple. I loved reading the pure, un-edited flow of your thoughts.

Come home, soon and we'll share some oreos and milk... double stuffed!

I miss you and love you!

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