The Story Hasn't Ended

It has been three years. 

Which is, frankly, unbelievable. 

Since my last entry in 2012:

I have graduated with a Bachelor's in Theology and a minor in English.

I have moved to FL, back to SC, and back to FL again. 

And, most importantly, I got married. (Happily since 1.4.14!)

I was inspired to "turn the pages" on my virtual journals (aka blogs) this morning. Something I do from time to time to revisit and remember. The good and the bad are zoomed out in particular view. It builds a huge amount of gratitude in my heart to see the "lovely traces" of God's grace interwoven throughout my life.

“By keeping a record of my experiences, I live my life twice over. The past returns to me. The future is always with me.” -Eugène Delacroix

But imagine my utter distress when I found out that one blog might be totally gone and the other inaccessible! If we should thank anyone for this post... it would be my mom. I wouldn't have been able to sign back in to either blog without her help. She saved two journals for me today!

I came to write... not to start all over again and revive this blog, but to say that the story isn't over. 

This blog is really just one of my journals. 

It had it's purpose, intermingled with a unique flavor and style bespoken of the time it was written in.
And now we have reached the last page.

I want to thank everyone who ever read this blog and made my day with a comment or two. I really appreciate your support and feedback. It still cracks me up that my most viewed post ever is the Dirty Mop Water one. Ha! (If you're curious what that entry could entail, you can click here for that.)

For those who are wandering through by old paths or curiosity... thanks for stopping by. Feel free to flit through these pages. I hope some of the words I have written are meaningful and encouraging to you. I know I'll be back to read them for myself from time to time.

As for my current story... you can see that here. ˂˂˂

This blog started with a fiery warning. It spans five years and entails my last two full years in the Dominican Republic, and ends somewhere during my first two years of college. Significant transitions, so much learning. And it is fitting to close it with.... what? I never know how to end my journals, except with a prayer. It seems to me that the Only One deserving of the final note is the Man who saved my soul.

Jesus, I have learned so much, yet I still know so little. You are teaching me day by day how important community is. Doing life in intimate honesty with those around me, learning to love more and more, to use my time on this earth wisely... And yet, foremost, I am always and ever coming back to the fact that it is all hinged on my relationship with You. It is meaningless apart from You. This isn't some melodramatic, sappy, puppy-love kind of "meaningless apart from You" -- this is life and death. It is the truth. I need You in my life. Your love is better than the sweetest wine. Your faithfulness is unfailing. Your patience, unwavering. Your goodness, untiring. Your kindness, I know, is how I've made it this far. And I'm so thankful that you watch my steps - though I stumble, I will not fall, for You are holding my hand. (Psalm 37-23-24) Thank You for inspiring me to write. I pray that You might use it for Your glory.

Two Kinds of Light

There is a saying:

“I have but one candle of life to burn, 

and I would rather burn it out in a land filled with darkness 

than in a land flooded with light.”

But what if the land is flooded with artificial light?

Today in chapel, the speaker encouraged us to be salt and light, based on a passage of Scripture in Matthew 5:13-16. He explained the salt makes people thirsty. That light allows us to see, causes growth and is used best in the darkness.

But he had a picture of a flashlight on the screen. And all of the sudden I got to wondering about the "causes growth" idea. What is the difference between light produced by the Sun and light produced by electricity?

Artificial light cannot make plants grow.
There's something different about light that comes from the Sun, there's something else to it. Both produce light... but only the light from the Sun can produce life.

© Ashley Santiago

The quote at the beginning is an encouragement to do missions work. In a land where there is plenty opportunity to be exposed to light, the call is to go where there is only darkness, that the small light of my life would be used to its greatest capacity, where it shines brightest.

But may I be so bold as to say that artificial light could be even more dangerous than the darkness? Because the darkness is certainly not able to deny the presence of light... but artificial light has the semblance of true light. In 2 Corinthians 11:14 it says, "Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light." But we know the enemy comes only to steal, kill and destroy. Jesus, however, came to bring life. [John 10:10]
I am amazed by those who are called to the land flooded with artificial light. It is a noble and hard calling. It looks crazy! Those with artificial light shrug their shoulders and claim to have the same thing... but they cannot grow. There is no life.

So would I rather (as the quote says) use the candle of my life to shine in the dark places? Honestly, yes! Even if its a primal, cannibalistic culture, my light would shine true with acute contrast to the darkness. The difference is seen. It is something truly brave to take on a land flooded with artificial light... whatever that looks like. Because it could seem a waste. Your light doesn't seem as bright. It doesn't seem to make a difference.

But friends, do not be discouraged! Our little light is always of use because it comes from the Son! It's the real thing! Even in a land of artificial light, there will be a very distinct difference: only light from the Son can produce life.

And how are we that light? How are we salt?

"In this world we are like Jesus..." - 1 John 4:17
We are called to be ambassadors of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20-21), representing Him. And how did He say people would know we are His? That we are His disciples?

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." 

- John 13:35 

"This is the message you heard from the beginning: We should love one another...  
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life. And we ought to lay down our lives... If anyone has material possessions and sees someone in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth."

- 1 John 3: 11,16-18 

"Who is it that overcomes the world?
Only he who believes that Jesus is the Son of God." 

- 1 John 5:5 

"If you love Me you will obey My commands."
- John 14:15, 1 John 5:2-3

And that love looks like joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. It looks like trusting, persevering, keeping no record of wrongs, rejoicing in truth... not boasting, envying or being proud. It is full of faith and hope, and it never fails. And it is not by our own strength, but as we live by the Spirit. His light shining through us.

Mark 9:50; Galatians 5:13-26, 6:10; 1 Corinthians 13

© Ashley Santiago

Where you are now is where you are called to be faithful to the task at hand. 

Whether surrounded by darkness or artificial light, there is only one True Light, of which we are witnesses. 

Our war is waged in love.
  

Renovation to Renewal

It seems this renovation of my heart and mind has been going on for quite some time now... and may it never stop until it's finished.

On the one hand, I feel as if I owe some sort of explanation for my lack of posting in several months. On the other hand, I don't really have to justify it at all. Still, I suppose it is worth noting that any inconsistency seen here could be related to the inconsistency within my own life. I had a sinking suspicion that my lack of writing as of late (not just here but in my own journals) has been due to some issue that needs to be taken care of within me.

Perhaps to some, this lack of writing for a few months (or sparsely writing for the last six months) is not really a big deal. But I have kept a journal since I was in kindergarten. So, not writing is pretty much a red flag in my book.

However, my lack of writing could be attributed to the fact that I have been swamped with school work this past year... in which I have written well over 75,000 words. To put that another way, if I took all the assignments I've written for my classes, I could make a 300 page book. An appreciable accomplishment, I think. Of course, the semester isn't over yet... so I might add a few dozen pages yet to that book.

Gracious, with that in mind, I don't really feel bad at all for not writing here. In fact, you still might not hear from me consistently... it all depends really. I could probably get rid of a few things that tend to take up my time. Trash my phone... But, of course, I need to be realistic. Or maybe I don't?

God is currently teaching me that it's not just about prioritizing Him. It's not a list with Jesus at the top as Number One. No, as a friend put it, He is Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end. He is not just number one, He is the Only One. My entire heart and life devoted completely and wholly to Him... out of which the rest of my life flows.

Whatever that looks like...

It is Finished!

In the heat of early morning on a hill
They call The Skull
The roaring of the angry mob
Had settled to a lull

All eyes were cast upon the man
Whose hands and feet were bound
They saw Him cry in anguish
When they heard the hammer pound

They saw the bloody woven thorns with
Which His head was crowned
They watched the bloody cross of wood
Be dropped into the ground

The soldiers gambled for His clothes
They watched them win and lose
They saw the sign above His head
That said "King of the Jews"

They searched His face for anger
For vengeance in His stare
Instead of eyes that burned with hate
A look of love was there

He prayed for their forgiveness
And bowed His battered head
And no one knew the meaning
Of the final words He said

It is finished
And the sky grew black as the night
It is finished
And the people scattered in fright

The work had been done
Redemption had been won
The war was over without a fight
It is finished

The provision has been made
The foundation has been laid
He paid the ransom due
And tore the temple veil in two
And opened up the way
For me and you

It is finished!

-=-

---> [John 19-20] <---
"...These are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in His name."

(lyrics by Petra, "It is Finished")

Renovation of the Heart and Mind

(and maybe a little on the blog as well, as you may have noticed)

Many of you know that if I haven't posted in awhile, it's usually because:
[a] I haven't anything (complete) to say worth writing or reading
[b] I've been procrastinating
[c] I'm learning something
[d] A little of all the above.
    In this case, I would circle "d". I usually write when there's something I want to say... And I haven't pieced all the puzzle together yet, but I'm starting to see the picture fill in. A friend encouraged me recently to blog about what He is doing... in me and the world. No easy task, but here I am.

    For now I think I'll have to stick with the former. I can't claim to know what He IS doing specifically, only what I know He does and plans to do. I do know that for the world He works to bring new life. That is His mission.

Jesus, the "Resurrection and Life" (John 11:25) said:

"I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep." - [John 10:9-11]

    I have been learning so much. And it seems I learn in trends. By trends, I mean that one topic is in focus for quite some time, then it shifts to another topic that is enriched by the first topic. But in the meantime, the second topic also sheds light on the first. They are part of a trend.

The recent trend has been love.

    Out of this has come ponderings and realizations concerning the importance and significance of love. God's love. You see why I haven't had anything to write? How can I even begin to scratch the surface on this topic? And what could be more important to correctly convey? What I'm beginning to realize more and more is how much it all depends on this. This is at the center. It's Him. His love is not just part of Him, He is His love. [1 John 4:16]

So what is this doing in me?
    My focus has been rooted to these verses:

“Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”

And [Jesus] said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. This is the great and first commandment. And the second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.” -[Matthew 22:36-40]

    When Jesus said this, it might be a little confusing to us who think of the commandments as the "big 10" found in Exodus 20. Neither one of these seems to be found in the Ten Commandments. However, to the Pharisees, this was incredibly significant. See, the Jews read the Torah, which is the first five books of the Bible. This is the Law that Jesus was referring to, and within it are 613 commandments. Yeah, that's a lot more than 10. So, out of these commandments, which did Jesus think was the greatest? It was really a trick question. (You can check out the reference to see that.) They were trying to trip Him up.
    They didn't expect Jesus to say what He did. He quoted to them something very familiar... something that is still the foundational creed of Judaism today. It is called the Shema. It comes out of Deuteronomy chapter 6:

"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."

    As you can see, this was quite a big deal. And to this, Jesus added that the second greatest commandment is to "love your neighbor as yourself." - [Leviticus 19:18] He said that this commandment was like the first. In other words, it connects with what John said in 1 John 4:16.

"So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him."

    When we love others, we are keeping the first commandment, that we love God. And when we love God, we can do that by showing our love to others. This is central. Jesus says it sums up the Law and the Prophets! In other words He's saying that this is the underlying essence. This is the key. Love.

    So this spreads out to everything. Everything. He did it all for love. This demands a re-estimation of our understanding of what love really is. Because Jesus said there was no greater love than someone laying down their life for their friends. [John 15:13] Love is more than romance. It's greater than a feeling that fades. It's bigger than your fears and stronger than death. It is Him. It changes your life. It transforms. It renews. It gives life!

    How do I convey the gravity of this? How can I show you all that I am learning? How can I help you understand? This is so important. This is the meaning. The reason... for all of it. He did it all for love. And I have so much yet to learn myself. His glory and His love. The purpose. His sovereignty. Our choices. The plan...

    This journey Somewhere is taking me down a path that points to love. It's renovating my heart, rewiring my mind. It is challenging me. Daring me to live my life out of this love. To dare to love completely. To live life wholly. And to live life in love, I must live it in Him. I know it sounds kind of mystical, and I'm trying my best to explain it. He is life, how can try to live without this Life who is Love?

    Ani lomedet. I am learning. Always learning...
Learning to trust, lean, wait... Learning to love. To hope. To live.

Signature Scent

I have a confession to make...

For the past several months I have been on a desperate search for my signature scent. Yeah, I bought into that whole idea of a personal, one and only, "wow-every-time-I-smell-this-I-think-of-you" scent. Allow me to attempt to justify myself for such a belief. Everybody knows that certain smells trigger certain memories. So it stands to reason that if someone smells a certain way all the time, then that smell will become associated with them, yes? Thus their signature scent.
...
That's it. Sorry, no mind-boggling, brilliant, philosophical notions on this one. Just always wanted to have a "Brittany" smell. A good one, preferably. I know some of you are probably thinking, "Uhm, everyone has a smell, Brittany." People will smell like their house or their laundry detergent or their body spray... even just their personal, inherent scent...or some combination of those. Right, but I seriously don't have one. No really. I know you can't smell yourself, so I've asked other people. "What do I smell like?" Big whiff. Pause. Pressing of my skin to their face, another big whiff. "Uh...nothing." Seriously.

So! I wanted my own scent. And I'm picky. Super picky. Most perfumes, if you didn't know, have alcohol infused in them. It's for utility purposes and spraying and stuff. Well, that junk gives me headaches most of the time. Awesome. Conveniently I've been on this all natural kick for awhile, so I started researching natural perfumery. (I know, I'm a total nerd.) Anyway, there's a difference, still, between natural perfumery and organic perfumery. And even more of a difference if you go vegan. Yes. Vegan. People, this stuff can get expensive too! So, I looked through different websites, I traversed Etsy stores... but shopping online for something you simply must smell is pretty difficult. So, I ventured to buy only a few samples. Some were okay... at least, that's what I convinced myself. But not me. The search continued.

Then I even began to consider scented lotions. I mean, after all, perfume (at least many natural ones) you have to dab on (because the essential oils don't spray without that added alcohol), and so the scent is kind of isolated. I'd spend quite a bit of time on the cosmetic aisle in the stores I went to...sniffing things. I came across a pretty nice, natural, shea moisture lotion that I enjoy quite a bit...and finally bought after coming back to it at three different stores. But it's still not my signature scent. (I know, I'm rambling... I have a point to this.)

Last night I came across the closest thing I've found yet. Hah... I can't believe I'm actually writing about this. It's made by a natural perfumer in Italy. Get this, it's a French man who's converted to Sufi Islam. (Of course, right? I would pick the most random thing ever.) He's a perfume composer. For real. Well, after all the reviews I read, apparently the guy is a genius. Anyway, I was just browsing his site and came across a scent called Tasneem, the warrior poet. Loved the name. I kinda chuckled to myself and opened the page for more info. Loved the bottle. And, of course, it had all my favorite scents... almondy floral accent, vanilla, Egyptian jasmine...a subtle, muted sweet with an oriental (middle eastern) twist... Oh, and it cost way too much money. I knew I had a problem which I actually began to consider it.

Don't worry, I got snapped out of it today. I know I was being silly. Lately, my focus on material things has been pretty shameful. Just preoccupied with too much stuff. I don't need anything. I mean, I need to pay off some student loans eventually, but I don't need another pair of jeans or some fancy luggage... All of this stuff is just so temporary. And today, I was reminded that I need to keep my eyes on "things above" and not on "earthly things". [Colossians 3:1-4]
There's nothing wrong with wearing perfume. There's nothing wrong with nice clothes. Please don't misunderstand me. I splurge from time to time myself. It's fun to have a nice little sundress to wear. But I can't be thinking about those things all the time. They can't be my focus. Those temporary, material things don't even need to get close to that. I don't have enough time to live for the temporary. If I want to live for God, I need to focus on things that have eternal significance. I need to shape my life with love, style it with joy, mark it with peace...

It's not my clothes that make me beautiful.
It's a kind and gentle spirit.  -[1 Peter 3:3-4]
In 10 years it won't matter what I smelled like.
I want my life to ooze God's love. I want it to permeate the air around me. To obey His voice, follow the Spirit, and let Him use me in such a way that people do a mental "double take" and wonder what just passed by. Not so that they'll think about me, or so I feel special... but so that it will trigger something inside of them. Something familiar. And remind them of Him. [Ecclesiastes 3:11] That it will touch that deep longing in them for something more...and maybe they'll recognize it's Him they're looking for.
Perfume? I'd rather be saturated with the fragrance of Christ and Life mentioned in 2 Corinthians 2:14.
Let that be my signature scent.

Þú Ert Jörðin & Leaves of Gold

"I do not know how the great loving Father
will bring out light at last, 

but He knows, and He will do it."

-David Livingstone

Long in waiting, I have no idea what I will write.

I only know that for a couple of weeks now, it's been pressing on me to write here again.

On my desk sits a thousand things.

Old film and picture frames. Old books full of poetry.
Most of it still unread.

Letters in a box overflowing.

Sunglasses from a distant land.

Notes. Timelines. CDs. Folders and calendars. 

Wire, books, and string.

Rocks covered in salt from the Dead Sea.

Sand dollars. Sea shells.

Glass bottles full of notes for me.

Purple and pink flowers fading...

      This semester has been something. That's for sure. I guess this is what college is supposed to feel like? I have learned so much. And mostly from the two classes that I was completely dreading! Isn't that ironic? In fact, the teacher I feared the most at the beginning of the semester taught me the most. 

      I was stretched. I was tried. I was poked and prodded and challenged. It was beautiful. Incredibly, annoyingly painful, but beautiful. Beautiful. That word carries such weight. Such marvelous weight of meaning! It's heady. It's potent... But I can't go there just now.

      -mark momentary pondering, back-spacing and frustrated contemplation on the next move in this post...-

     A statement worth noting here that was mentioned this past semester is, "Human beings cannot live without poetry." That's a pretty bold statement. But I'm wondering more and more at how true it seems. We can't live without this charged form of language. There are just some things that we cannot describe in the form of prose properly. A sunset. The birth of a child. Falling in love... And even God. There are some parts of the Bible that we enjoy not only for it's instruction and importance or application, but because it's beautifully written. Because, as my professor says, "It's darn good poetry."
     I have so much yet to learn. And I'm wondering how I walked around before without knowing all the things I know now. It's interesting how enriched our lives become with heightened understanding. And it's not that I'm claiming to lay hold of truth. It's laying hold of me. I have to wrestle with it. And it's risky! Because it changes you. It touches something in the core of your being.
     Now that's something I've been learning this semester. Do you ever wonder... We sometimes hold God at arm's length. "Yes, I want to feel Your comfort and Your presence and Your love... but don't get too close! Whoa! Right there is quite close enough. Yes, that's close enough. Maybe scoot back a couple of inches... You're making me uncomfortable." Do you know what I'm talking about? Right. So, why do we do that? Why do we look into the face of perfect love and say, "Nah, too much of a good thing has to be bad for you."
     I think it's more than a fear of disappointment. After all, God has never given us a reason not to trust Him. I think it's a fear of what His love will do to us. Because, no doubt we will change. You will be transformed. How could you not be? How could your world not be utterly rocked when wrapped inside the arms of the God of the universe? "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of a living God." (Hebrews 10:31). Are we not to consider such things carefully? Then abandon ourselves to it recklessly...
     Sounds radical, doesn't it? Faith. Surrender.
     But we fear change, I think. Could it be that we're afraid of what we could be? Or maybe what we'll never be... To truly wrestle with truth and beauty and reality and love... these things will mark us. The fight will leave us with a limp for the rest of our lives. But what if we limp away seeing the world differently? More clearly? More vibrantly? More fully?
     I will not pretend to have all of this figured out. That's the beauty of it too. The mystery. The pursuit. The chase. The constant knowing and seeking to know more. The moment, still and moving. And this isn't some unattainable meditative or super-ultra-spiritual state. It doesn't mean you're impossibly joyful or unearthly serene all of the time. It means you're alive.
      You know... those moments in the mundane. The monotony. Can you see it? The wind blowing the trees. The blue against the green. The feeling of the sun's warmth on your chilled fingers. The smell of food when you're hungry and about to eat. The feeling when you just finished something. The jingling of keys. The feeling of sitting after standing a long time... Do you know what I'm talking about? A true poet can see beauty in the most simple things. The hard and the plain things. In the real things.

     I have a lot of work ahead of me. And, at the moment, I don't really know what's going to happen. I'm moving forward, hoping that I'm going in the right direction. Hoping. Expectant. Waiting.
     You know, that place where you've done everything you can do... so now it's up to Him. And letting go can be so hard, because I still hold responsibility. I still have to try. I still have to run, trusting that He's guiding me. And life is crazy. Unexpected. Well, at least it is to me. To Him, well, He knows everything. That's why it's good to be holding onto His hand.

"Let us, then, be up and doing,

With a heart for any fate;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

Learn to labor and to wait."

- Henry W. Longfellow

Somewhat like an Epiphany

I'm sensing a shift in perspective.

Or maybe understanding or sight.

So staunchly before perceiving truth,

discerning what was right.

No lesser there do I grow

in my knowledge and understanding

(ever drawn and guided by the Word,

its Light therein).

But suddenly beauty bursts forth in everything.

And creation groans

for the revelation of the sons of God.

They seek the light,

but blind eyes knowing not where to look

(light gives heat,

turning their face toward,

hearts inclined)

they express their anguish

and their yearning

in book and song and rhyme.

Hiddeness and metaphor.

Beauty, depth and questioning

from inmost of the soul,

reflections of His endowed creativity.

I am learning to see.

To perceive Truth.

To not shoot down the world's expressions,

but to see them truly,

to their root.

To see their motivation and true question.

Intention. 

And in that seeing, undisguised,

I do not condemn,

but have compassion on them

And here the Love of God is able to follow,

flow.

Perhaps a shift in understanding,

though here I lightly tread,

in seeing the world not as an enemy,

but as lost and broken instead.

Not as a theif bent to corrupt,

but corrupted by dark lies...

waiting to find Truth,

and know Love.

(At least their souls' intent,

though the heart knows it not.)

-Are we not to be light?- 

"Futher Up, Further In..."

Can it already have been 23 days into the new year?
    This month has been like a whirlwind for me. Yet, though it now seems to have passed in a flash, its duration seems more along the lines of a few months instead of just around three weeks. (The paradox of time... or our perceptions of time...) Here's some stuff out of the overflow:

    I am back in America.
    Coming back here feels like trying to keep up on a major highway with a bicycle. Can I please go back to the picturesque, twisting country roads with little traffic and lots of time to ponder the world from my worn, comfortable old Schwinn bicycle seat? (That was a metaphor... I didn't have country roads to ride on, and my bike temporarily has a popped front tire.)

    It is so good to see old friends again. To spend time with them, to share the Word with them, to pour out truth and have truth poured in, to encourage, uplift, listen... To joke and laugh and play. To live. To be. You know what I'm talking about? Living life. Not surviving life. Living it.
   And I'm not talking about that "wild side" "living the life" stuff, either. I'm talking about the real stuff. The simple stuff. The stuff we miss sometimes if we're not looking up from our cell phones and computer screens.
    I'm talking about conversation. Relationship. Face-to-face, flesh and blood stuff.
    The "stop-in-your-tracks-and-gaze-in-awe-at-the-sunset" stuff.
    The learning you were wrong and it's okay stuff. 
    Real life.

    What a blessing to be alive!
    What a blessing to be able to go to classes that challenge me and sharpen my critical thinking skills. What a blessing to force myself out of bed, to push myself to learn and know more, to drive toward...

    Light falls across my keyboard and shoots a reflection through the the tumbler holding my tea. Piano music is streaming through the speakers. My Bible is close at hand. I have a paper to write. A couple of textbooks to read. Some Romantic poets to endure... And through it all, I'm just looking for those things God is trying to show me, to teach me. To make me more like Him.

"For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. We pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to His glorious riches so that you may have great endurance and patience and joyfully give thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light."

-[Colossians 1:9-12]

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom His whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God... I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

-[Ephesians 3:14-19, 4:1-3]

"For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart my be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which He has called you, the riches of His glorious inheritance in the saints, and His incomparably great power for us who believe..."

-[Ephsians 1:15-19]

    Ah! There is so much more! You must read it! Sharpen your minds. He's so good! His plan of salvation and for the kingdom of heaven is so intricate and masterfully pieced together. How could we ask for more? What a beautiful mystery, this gospel of Jesus Christ!

Road Signs

If I may stop along the journey to reflect on the ways I've come...

    Do you know those moments? Those moments where you stop in wonder at where you've just come from, what has just happened... those moments where you realize and suddenly your breath is stolen away? Inspiration builds up in your chest, your heart beats a little faster... and you just wish you could write it all down, but there are not enough words; paint it out, but there are not enough colors; sing it in a melody, but your voice cannot reach all the notes?
    Ah! What a journey it's been! My fingers are far too clumsy to paint the picture with a song or a brush, even the stroke of a pen. Too much to tell! And do you know? It's not that my life is so much more extravagant or incredible. At least, not in the way you might expect at such a display. But I'm not overreacting. My God is so faithful!

    Road signs.
    A chief complaint of mine in this past year would most likely be, "I'm lost!" Anybody else relate? Not as in, I got in the car and I took a wrong turn. No, that's a perpetual state (it seems) that I've grown accustomed to. I'm talking about my spiritual walk. I'm talking about that feeling that everyone else around you seems to be going somewhere with confidence and direction, and they're all looking at you like you should be doing the same. Especially since it's you, you know. Of course, why not? It's you. But then you kind of look around like, "Uhm, what? Me? I--uh,... Did I miss something here?" So you kind of gather up your courage and stumble along, hoping to God you're going the right way.
    Can't relate? Oh. Well... Anyway, this year has been packed with lessons. Good grief! I remember talking to a friend who mentioned something that happened this past summer and I had to step back and think for a minute. It felt like it had happened three years ago. So much has happened this year. I have 200+ pages in my journal to prove it. That's not even counting a full little journal used only in Israel. And God has told me and promised me so many things. He is never late. I can see that now. I knew it, but now I can see it.

    Road signs.
    If you had asked me two months ago, I would have said I haven't had any recently. But it seems so impossible to say now. Even when I felt like I didn't have exact coordinates, He led me right where I needed to be. How? Surely by His grace, because it was certainly nothing I have done.
    Listen: Never let hope die, okay? Even when it seems impossible. God is in the business of doing the impossible. Did you know that an event that happens to but one in a billion people occurs six times a day? 2,000 times a year! You read that right. 1 in 1,000,000,000. NEVER give up hope. Especially in the things God has promised you. It's really not so impossible as it seems.
    But I would advise you in this: the Lord works in mysterious ways, yes? So who knows how or what will exactly come about in those things He has told you. He knows. Just know that if He told you, He will do it. Whatever that means. (Starting to see why I felt a little clueless this year? But suddenly, that's the "magic" of it! Suddenly, somehow, He's teaching me to read those road signs that, apparently, have been there all along.)

June 4, 2010 -
    "If I'm still breathing, I still have a mission.
It could be daring and adventurous in a thrilling, life-threatening way. Or it could be the noble and daring call of steadfast love towards a lost loved one.
Tomorrow (though non-existent as of yet) is another day."

March 21, 2010 -
    "What does the veil mean in a wedding?
Is it to hide the bride or to hide the groom?
The bride doesn't change, but her view of the groom becomes more clear. Perhaps so it is with Christ and the Church. One day, at the right time, just before Christ and His Bride are perfectly united, there will be an unveiling, and the Church will see the face of God more clearly than ever."

May 8, 2010 -
    "Strange.
    Yet wonderful.
My God is faithful. When I feel alone and sad, He reminds me He is near. He will never leave me nor forsake me. Even when I feel like I'm going crazy, when I just don't understand, my God is with me still. He never let's me go; never forsaking me, He remains my constant."

June 9, 2010 -
    "The sunrise was absolutely marvelous this morning.
Brightest pink I've ever seen from 30,000 feet."

August 21, 2010 -

    "The girl who writes on the next page might not be the same girl who wrote on this one...

or perhaps a more realized version of her...

or a renewed and transformed one.

Tomorrow in Jerusalem!!"

November 13, 2010 - 

    "I believe I have just discovered a secret.

I was pondering. Pondering the idea of will in salvation. Salvation is obviously an act of God. He is the Saviour. I am the "saviee", so to speak. Anyway, the idea of joy and duty and love crossed my mind.

It is not a joy to carry your cross daily? 

It is a joy because His yoke is easy. His burden is light.

What a trick! The world has made it everything you don't want. The hardest thing. Foolishness. Suffering.

But all of that is fallacy.

It's life. It's freedom. It is the easiest burden.

Love. Joy. Forgiveness. Renewal. Transformation..."

December 7, 2010 -

    "Why shall I not be in want? Because the Lord is my Shepherd."

December 17, 2010 -

    "Rest. Trust. Lean. Wait."

Flipping through some of the pages and reflecting on these last few months... I have only just now realized what a special time of rest this has been.

Time away.

Time alone in quiet.

Solitude & silence.

I'll cherish the last bits of it. I am thankful.

A beautiful year. Stunning. I have learned so much. And still I learn... And all I can think is that these things are but a shadow of the things to come.

Oh! How great is our God!

-=-

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, 

your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying: 

'This is the way; walk in it.' 

-[Isaiah 30:21]

1:52am

[Jessica Whitaker]

There are occasions in which comments come with perfect timing. Those times when you very least expect to hear them. When you weren't looking for them. When they come almost as if asking a question. "Did you know...?" Out of the blue.

Someone says it and suddenly the questions in your mind are stilled. The anxiety and doubt you didn't even know were boiling beneath the surface are revealed and dispelled in a moment. You are encouraged. You are reminded.

You are humbled.

And did you know it was so simple? Did you know it would be so easy? So paradoxically uncomplicated. [(I love speaking in riddles.)] Beautifully constructed. Methodically orchestrated. With purpose and intent. Did you know it would be so simple as this? Just remember: Even closer.

It's all hinged on this.

Not me. Him.

Praise God for His faithfulness.
Praise Him for His patience and unending mercy.
And glory to God, this unconditional love!

And I realize that I am still learning. Still growing. Still making mistakes. Still knowing. And it is in the stillness, when I let the waters quiet and become like a mirror, His reflection shows and I learn to move like He moves.

[Psalm 46:10]

The Coming of the Northern Winds...

    A "skill" I've come to acquire during my time in the Dominican Republic is an acute sensitivity to the weather. Alright, so that's a little be exaggerated, but truly, I notice things that I never did before. Like what the winds are telling you.
     You can tell a storm is coming when the wind gets moody and anxious. It kind of rolls like waves on a seashore. The other day while I was out with my little brother he mentioned the trees. "Listen! Listen to them sway." And, indeed, the wind was making the trees bend and whisper together. But this wind was not like other winds. I feel like Autumn is approaching.
    Now, you must understand something. There is no Autumn here. There's no Fall or Winter seasons. We are much too close to the equator for any of that. However, there is a period of what we will call Relent. For about three months (or four, if you're lucky) of the year, there is a time when the winds change and it grows cooler. Cooler, not cold... especially not by any American standards of the word. But it is pleasant.
    Even now, a cool breeze comes in my room, breathing in the morning...

    Just after I got back from Israel I stayed at my grandfather's house and went on walks through his lovely neighborhood. I often prayed on these walks alone. It was during one of these that God revealed another little piece of Himself to me.
    I cannot tell you what I was thinking right at the moment that it all occurred to me. It wasn't by process of personal theological argument or rationalism that I came to this conclusion. I suppose there is a time and a place for those things. I am not condemning them. But I want to make the point that it wasn't because of anything I did that allows me to know Him. He makes Himself known. I just -- well, I happen to be there.
    While walking and thinking back on my experiences in Israel... somehow I come around to the topic of adventures. I love adventures. They are a sort of personal challenge on my courage and fortitude. (It's interesting to note that those things imply a mental or spiritual strength.) Anyway, it's also just plain fun.
    Like cave diving. What is it called? Spelunking? It's great!
    Or... like exploring a new city. Or taking on a problem as it comes at you. How do you react? Which way do you go? I know a lot of people don't like to get lost. However, I perpetually live in this state, it seems. For example, I was with a friend on their college campus. I knew I was in the United States, in a particular state, in a particular city, on that particular campus. Sure. I even knew where it was in relation to other cities. But could I get you back to where I just came from? No way. I could guess. I have a pretty good sense of direction. Maybe I just don't pay attention enough... But here's the thing: I don't get flustered when I get lost. It's kind of like, "Okay, there has to be another way. Now it's just finding it." An adventure.

    Time out: Let's not get crazy. If it was my wedding day and the driver can't find the church or something like that and I'm already late because - after growing up in an event-oriented instead of time-oriented latin culture - my hair appointment went over time, so I know everyone's waiting on me and I can't help the driver because I don't know where I am...? I'd be a little frustrated. That's when I'd pray and ask for directions. God forbid that ever happens. :)
    Moving on...

    I have a love for adventure.
    A love for the newness of things.
    The unexplored.
    And I remember on my walk being disappointed all of the sudden. I can't remember exactly why. Perhaps the idea of "nothing new under the sun" came to mind. Maybe a cynical, dreary thought crossed my consciousness: Those are special cases. Cave diving. Visiting new lands... That's not what your life will actually look like. Maybe it was the idea that everything or everyone could eventually be known and the mystery would be gone. I don't know what it was. But a sad feeling came over me.
    Suddenly, I looked up. Did I hear that right? Can it be true?

I Am your Adventure.

    My heart began to flutter and my mind swirled with the thought.

    No matter how long I may search God or know Him, no matter how deep I go, I can still and forever go deeper. "We are tiny grains of sand on an eternal shore, the waves of the infinite ocean are falling, rushing towards, meeting us with the slightest kiss, then rushing back out to the unsearchable depths, begging us to be swept in and away. And a thousand miles in, we've only just begun to know..." -B.W. Murray

He is my constant.

And He is my adventure.

    God has forever been the same, but we are just knowing Who He is. That's the adventure. Our whole lives can be spent getting to know just parts of Him. Small parts. Each experience is an opportunity to learn something new. What is He trying to tell us? Not about us or for our own sakes. What is He trying to tell us about Himself? 

    And do you know? That's what is so amazing about fellowship. When you get together with other people and begin to know them, they share some of those other revelations of God with you. They have other pieces to the puzzle. Time spent in fellowship with other believers buried in the Scriptures is as sweet to the soul as honey is to the tongue.

    We seek and we find. 

    If I'm right, the season of Relent is coming. Perhaps in more ways than one... Who knows? God knows. All I know is: wherever He may be, I want to be there. No matter where that is. Why? Well... it's sure to be an adventure.

Heroic Ages and Hundreds of Pages to Go...

Has it already been almost a month since I've been back from Israel? Really?

As of late, I've been doing more reading than writing. I have random bouts of that it seems.
I recently went to a yard sale and bought, oh, probably 8 books or so. A couple of novels, some philosophy, a history book or two. My biggest challenge is my Humanities textbook. Oh it's interesting... that's the problem. 599 pages bigger than my head, and I'll want to read and psychoanalyze every single one. As fascinated as I am with all of this faddle on the Heroic Age of ancient Greece... there's just no time for it. I have work to do. So much to do!
But a wise friend once told me: "You don't have any more work than He has for you." And He has never given me anything I couldn't handle before... (Oh no, we're not getting into that whole lesson of time management again, are we?)

I should write with purpose if I'm going to write at all. So why am I writing all of this? I never meant for this blog to be a sort of journal. Perhaps a collaboration of thoughts... Perhaps hints of inspiration. Certainly something that will at least get you thinking for a little while. Maybe all of this jumping around is due to my lack of writing as of late.

I've also been reading an old blog of mine from a few years ago. I like to go through things like that from time to time. It's almost like visiting an old friend. Some of the things I wrote, the truths I understood and related with such conviction... is it possible to forget such things? My hope is that when those moments of understanding take place and then flutter away, that somehow they took root in my soul though they've left my present and immediate consciousness. That they are tucked away deep in my heart. Written. Carved into my very being.

My last journal entry before I left for Israel says, "The girl who writes on the next page might not be the same girl who wrote on this one... or perhaps a more realized version of her... or a renewed and transformed one."
I'm only hoping that happened. That something took root. Maybe I just have to water it (or let it be watered), and it will soon bloom into something.
I don't feel any different, but it's not about feelings anyway, is it? I have never felt different. As years have gone by I have been me, though my understanding deepens and my knowledge grows. My essence remains.



I am beginning to feel like Israel wasn't the beginning or ending of anything. Though the sun set in the picture above, my last snapshot of the Holy Land, it hasn't set on this season. (Though this season is beginning to feel like a winter in the Arctic Circle. Or is it summer?) What I mean is, it seems to be a transition... or something. A shift of sorts. A realignment, maybe. I don't know yet. I'm still trying to figure it out.
Because it's been a different kind of challenge. Not a struggle, not a breeze. It's like a meandering twist of unexpected turns rather than a horizontal movement. And I'm wondering how many pages I have to go in this chapter until it starts making sense.
But oh, the paradox of me! How I love a mystery.

Over the Edge

    She began hiking up the rocky hill. Although it had been chilly that morning in Jerusalem, it had suddenly gotten hot and dry. After all, she had descended to nearly the lowest point on the planet. The group was scheduled to repel down the mountains of Qumran within view of the Dead Sea. She had already been to Qumran once, when they came to see (from afar) the caves where the Dead Sea Scrolls were found. Now she found herself climbing along those same hills. And, already, she was clinging to the rock wall side of the trail and not looking down. A little high.
     She's not afraid of heights. No, no. She simply respects them. After all, it's not the fall that kills you. It's the ground. It would be silly to be afraid of the ground, right? So she respects heights. They offer a great view. Too good a view to pass up.
    She was actually perfectly fine... that is until the guy started going over safety rules. Weird, huh? She pulled on the harness, a little nervous about its fitting, as she paid close attention to the instructions. Wait a second, we are doing it one-handed? Friction? How does that even work? He made it look so easy, but he was leaning at a 45 degree angle off a rock.
    The real fear started to come when she got close to the edge. It was a 130ft sheer drop to the unmerciful rocks below. "It's a 200% system. You have the harness and a safety rope. Nothing can happen to you." For some reason, this was not comforting as she thought about falling backwards over the edge... or, God forbid, slipping before any ropes were attached at all. During the rainy season, floods wash through Qumran, making the rocks smooth and even slippery.
    Her heart beat rapidly in her chest. It was her first time ever doing anything like this. Sure, she'd jumped off of like, maybe a 15ft cliff into water a couple of times. But this was so much higher. There seemed no room for error - even though they kept telling her she would be safe. She kept all of these things to herself. However, others voiced their opinion openly. They were scared. She admitted she was nervous too. The fear of the others was practically contagious... yet the reassurance of the more courageous were like a balm.
    I can do this. A strange peace settled over her as she encouraged a friend it was possible. They prayed for safety and steady feet. It's going to be okay. She certainly didn't want to leave the place not having tried.
    Her turn came. One of the leaders secured her line and told her to back toward the edge as he was on the phone. Up to this point, they were coaching people off the edge. "Spread your legs. Lean back. One step at a time. There you go. Good job. Straighten your knees." But now? Nothing. They were both on the phone. The phone! And she was about to lean over this cliff backwards?
    "Uhm... hey, is this right? Are my legs wide enough?" The man nodded quickly and waved his hand as a signal to continue. She took a few steps back. "Like this?" She leaned back, keeping a tight grip on the rope with her right hand, trying to get the feel of the weight and push-release effect. "Yeah, yeah, spread your legs a little wider. Go ahead."
    Slightly reassured, she worked her way down. Concentrate. Get the feel of the rope. Trust it. Lean back. That's key. Her lips trembled, but she began to enjoy herself. She even thought of jumping a bit, but was afraid to let the rope go too much and plummet too fast.. then panic. So she hopped a bit. Encouragement rang from below, "Yeah! Jump, Brittany!" She tried again and dropped a tiny bit. "I don't know how!" she laughed. Okay, grab back further on the rope and push off. Perfect! "Oh my gosh! This is the best!" She grew bolder and let the rope carry her down. The rush! More encouragement! Fear faded away in face of the sheer enjoyment and newness and victory. She could do this!





    When she reached the bottom, she looked back up the cliff she just conquered. She could hardly believe it. She had come down that? What a beautiful picture it painted of faith and trust, courage versus fear...

    All that fear mounted up right before going over the edge. All of the unnecessary fear because, in reality, I was always going to be okay. I had nothing to worry about. Not only was the lifeline secure, I also had a safety rope. I just had to trust the rope and harness to do their work.
    Sometimes I let the task before me scare me. I let it make me nervous and I doubt my ability and the tools God has provided for me. Then I look around at other people's reactions and I feed off of them. I fed off the fear, and it seemed rational. Wasn't dangerous? I embraced the fear and fostered it. But then I remembered who my God was. I remembered that He cares for me. The guides were in place and the proper tools provided. I just had to trust the rope and go over the edge.
    Courage - action despite fear. Perception had altered my view of reality. I thought the task dangerous, impossible... too big for me. Too high. I had never done anything like it before. And yet when I went over the edge, I found out that it really wasn't so bad at all. In fact, it was fun! And I had a whole crowd cheering for me, believing in me.

    I know it might not really be that huge of a revelation for some. It was just repelling down a mountain. But for me, I think I learned a great lesson that can be relearned again and again. I know this entry was a bit long, but there's something important to understand here.
    God is certainly going to ask us to do crazy things. Scary things. Irrational things. Things that tempt us to fear...and even those around us make us think we should fear. It's only reasonable to fear. But He always provides the tools necessary. He never gives you something you can't handle. So trust Him and step over the edge. You might find it to be the time of your life! And the view is fantastic.

Yad Vashem - Holocaust Memorial

Let not mine heart be hardened,
    nor my compassion stilled.
Yet I fear the knowing,
    my understanding filled.
To let the pain seep so deep
    would rid me of my joy.
Ripping raw my heartstrings,
    my peace it would destroy.
But no!
    Horror fills my lungs,
    Grief rips at my breast,
    Lament fills my throat,
    Saddness heavy on my chest.
There is healing in this mourning,
My whole heart aches to know,
And as my eyes fill with tears
My love begins to grow.
    My heart yearns their understanding,
       for eyes still blind to see.
    My soul burns to share the knowledge
       of Light and Hope in me.


-=-


Slow down for a moment and try to imagine.
"We do not mourn as those who have no hope..." [1 Thess. 4:13]
Yet still, we mourn.
Do not forget.

Shana Tovah!

    Today is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year! They are beginning (counting from creation) the year 5771. Rosh Hashanah is all about reconciliation with your neighbor to start the year off right. If someone feels they have wronged their brother or friend, the will go repair the relationship. It's the first of the High Holidays - a ten day repentance period also known as the "Days of Awe" - that ends with Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. Rosh Hashanah is also noted for its memorial by shofar blowing.
     Everyone dresses up for dinner, and usually they wear white. I will be experiencing my first Rosh Hashanah dinner tonight. One thing on the menu will be apples and honey, symbolizing a sweet and fruitful new year. The pomegranate is also an important fruit here in Israel. It's made up of hundreds of seeds. The tradition is that it has as many seeds as laws in the Torah.

     Since Rosh Hashanah is observed as a day of rest, most shops closed up around 2pm today. There were tons of deals when my friends went out earlier as the shops are all having their "end of the year" sales. Though anticipation is in the air and everyone is greeting well wishes of a good year ("Shana Tovah"), there is a solemness about this holiday. It is more serious than festive, which really makes you think. It is amazing how reverent the people here are. Sabbath really is quiet, a true day of rest. The holidays are similar. Though, the Feast of Tabernacles is up and coming, a time of celebration. Perhaps I'll yet see dancing in the streets of Jerusalem...

O Jerusalem, Jerusalem...

    Her fingers lightly brush across a column, unearthed nearly 2,000 years ago...
    The surroundings are not impressive. The space is about six feet wide, twenty feet long. There are large stones in the ground that serve as the road. She finds herself nearly twenty feet below "normal ground"... at least, that's as much as she can judge. The idea that ancient Israel is literally beneath her feet is a hard concept to grasp. Modern Israel is somewhere above her, though she's not underground. It's dank and smells a bit musty, but this is the City of David, on what used to be the main road leading to the "new" Jerusalem, near the pool of Shiloach. A pool, which, unfortunately, cannot be fully uncovered due to the property it is located under. There is a large mural on the wall which depicts what it could have looked like back in the first century AD. The tour guide, Hannah, explains a few details before they go see the real thing.
    As the smooth texture hits her fingers, her mind suddenly flashes back. An idea, a daydream of a possibility allows a smile to play on her lips. It is possible, after all, that He did think of me here... knowing I would come one day and think of Him.
    They turn the corner and a wide excavation opens up before them, its characteristic stones baking in the hot middle eastern sun. It was here. This is where Jesus sent the blind man after He put mud on the man's eyes. An empty place only 1/4 excavated. No water, just debris. An earthen wall rising up where the Arabic garden stood in opposition, fencing off her view. What must it have been like? Stretching out, a smooth pool cool and refreshing. The wide steps lead down as she tried to picture the scene before her. Tried to imagine what the man must have felt like... dipping down in darkness and coming up to the light. What did he see first? The water? The people? The walls and the hills of Judea? The pillars? The sun?

Did the very sight of sight steal his breath away?

-=-

    There is no possible way to describe to you what it is like here.

    The streets are not lined with gold, though they are sought after unto death nonetheless. The old walls are rough and rich with history. The country is indeed beautiful, but you would be surprised to know that those Judean hills were completely desolate just a century ago. Millions of trees have been planted since 1948.

It's not that it's magnificent or larger than life. It's just life.

    Yet there is mystery here. There is something that draws all the world to turn their heads towards this little strip of land called Israel. It's been said that the center of the world is Israel. And indeed, in ancient times, it literally/geographically was the center of the world. And at its center was Jerusalem. At its center stood the Temple, and the center of the Temple was the Holy of Holies where God sat on the mercy seat of the Ark of the Covenant as Shekinah Glory. In the west they write from left to right. In the east they write from right to left. Something keeps pointing back to His land.

    There is no way to describe it to you. There's no way to explain its diversity, its complexity and its paradoxical simplicity. It's the ancient world wrapped inside the modern world. Somehow, here, they have managed to coexist - accomplishing the impossible.

This is the place that it all took place.

How can I not stand here and be amazed?

Here and Back Again

It's 11:11pm, my last night in Santo Domingo for a little while. My mom helped me pack my things and I'm bound for something incredible, extraordinary... unbelievable.

I'm on my way to Israel.

Can you imagine? I'm left speechless. I'm left in awe. I don't know how to feel, how to react. All I can do is think, ponder and wonder what it will be like. What will that feel like? What will this look like?

I owe much gratitude to the friends who have helped me prepare for this journey and provided for me where I needed it. Whether financially or prayerfully. I needed both, and still appreciate the latter.

What can I say?

I'm shocked that summer is already over. Where has the time gone? And yet I was so thankful to be home. So thankful for the rest. So grateful for the lessons learned. The support of my family and friends... 

What shall I do?

My heart is ready to burst with expectation, my tears are ready to cascade over my cheeks in tiny bittersweet streams... who am I to deserve such grace and favor? The honor of a call aligned with passion. I've much work to do yet. But the perspective change is finding joy in the hard work of a job well done. The work itself, not just the outcome, must become the joy, the drive.

Am I actually going? Really...?
It still doesn't seem real yet.

This summer was great. Three missions teams, youth camp, dog-sitting, babysitting, dancing in the rain, visits from old friends and a surprise visit from a friend who traveled across the planet for just 2 weeks home. I've laughed, delighted in stargazing, chased a giant crab out of the laundry room, been interviewed for a t.v. special, lost to my littlest brother in Scrabble - twice, finally had a Dominican fiesta with my youth group, dyed my hair auburn as a last minute model stand-in... gone to the movies, read, journaled, and been enlightened by God in so many ways.

[It's all part of that secret journey.]
What's next?

בְּטַח אֶל־יְהוָה בְּכָל־לִבֶּךָ וְאֶל־בִּֽינָתְךָ אַל־תִּשָּׁעֵֽן׃
בְּכָל־דְּרָכֶיךָ דָעֵהוּ וְהוּא יְיַשֵּׁר אֹֽרְחֹתֶֽיךָ׃

-Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

lean not on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge Him,

and He shall direct your paths.

He will not miss a step. Love always trusts. I'll take hold of His hand and let Him lead step by step. I know the tune, I can follow the melody. I have the musicality. I love to dance. Now all I must do is draw close, hold fast to Him, and let Him lead.

καὶ νῦν ἰδού, ἐγὼ δεδεμένος τῷ πνεύματι πορεύομαι εἰς Ἰερουσαλήμ τὰ ἐν αὐτῇ συναντήσοντά μοι μὴ εἰδώς 

-Acts 20:22

And now, compelled by the Spirit,
I am going to Jerusalem,
not knowing what will happen to me there.

Baruch atem ba'Shem Yeshua Ha'Mashiach!
This year in Jerusalem!!

Breakthrough

You know, sometimes our victories do not seem very significant to onlookers. Do not let that deter your own joy. Nor let it stop you from rejoicing in the victories won by others, no matter how small.

Some victories are those things we have done for the very first time. After all, you only have a First once in your life.

Oh how I long to write, yet I cannot find the words to say. How I long to tell about what God is doing, yet I am reluctant to share the passings of my secret journey. I have learned, it seems, so much - yet to others it may appear to be very trivial. And you know, it might even seem obvious to some.

Peace is not the eradication of uncertainty. Faith and peace coexist. Faith insinuates that there is still something to be hoped for because it has yet to happen. Yet peace is a stillness of the soul in the midst of storming circumstances.

And oh! How I long to read. Yet, somehow the time escapes me. Time, time. Ever-present; ever-moving. We experience only a sliver of time while imagining the whole as past and future. We are promised nothing. God engulfs the whole of it and works outside of it and within it. He is not constrained, but is living and active.

Complexity. Paradox. Mystery.
Oh what a mighty God we serve.

It is like Michelangelo said, "I am still learning."
אני לומדת

And ever will I be.

Did you know a seed must be buried and die before new life can breakthrough the surface of the soil?

I planted those flowers with my Aunt Meg. I very much enjoyed getting my hands dirty with fertile earth. I do not need that plant, but it will not survive without water and sunshine and soil. If it is not taken care of it cannot grow. And the one thing it can accomplish is not much compared with what things much greater than it has done. Yet it serves best by being exactly what it was meant to be...and nothing more is expected of it. It must only be a flower. I did not mind reaching down and getting my hands dirty for that.

I'd never seen so many singing colors at once before...
Only in a rainbow. Only in a promise.

But first, there was a breakthrough from darkness into the light.

Summery Thoughts and Vanilla Green Tea

Summer has begun and I am quite enjoying the leisure time. It started off in the home of some family friends. I read four books in three days. It was great. Nothing was required of me, yet I still managed to finished what needed to be done. Amazing, no?

Then I took a flight. Or more correctly, the plane was delayed for six hours...

and then I took a flight.

And during this flight I met a few people. (Of course, what else do you do with six hours when you are stuck in a terminal with dozens of people stuck with you?) And, obviously, one of the topics was the delay. We all shared our opinions, most were quite upset about the delay. I don't exactly remember where the conversation led, but I do know I shared a certain idea and wondered why it wasn't implemented. A new friend said, "Well, some people don't think as logically as you do."

I thought that was a funny comment.

I don't really think of myself as logical.

Math is logic, right? I'm not terrible at math, but the way it functions really disagrees with me. I thought the word "cold" might fit, but that seems unfair. I have a great respect for those who can master the discipline of math. For me, it's seems I have a touch of C.S. Lewis' problem. When it comes to math, I can just as well as anybody add, subtract and multiply. I can set up an equation for you and understand the concepts... but for some odd reason I don't get the right answer. But it's logical.

Sometimes when one of us kids would do something wrong or dangerous, etc., my dad sat us down and would ask why in the world we did what we did. It didn't make sense. It wasn't logical. Apparently by the age of seven, we develop the ability to "think logically". Whatever the heck that exactly means. Honestly, this stuff we call "knowledge" can be so terribly vague sometimes.

I wonder if there is a certain distinction between being logical and being sensible. I might be more sensible than logical. Correct me if I'm wrong, are not logical decisions more based on what will end up being most efficient or something of the sort? Because being efficient makes the most sense...

Okay, so who made up that rule?

I understand that we must be good stewards of what is given us. But since when does that mean efficiency. Or, to be more specific, efficiency in the sense it is thought of it today. "Make the most of your money" and all that. Now, I hope you're not thinking what I'm trying to say is "Blow all your money! Who cares??" ((People have a tendency to believe that if you don't think or agree with one idea, you must think or agree with the complete opposite. For example, if a person says they don't agree with such and such republican candidate's ideas about this and that issue, people automatically assume this person is a democrat.)) My point is: I do think we should be good stewards (because eventually we'll have to give an account), but perhaps the idea of efficiency has been skewed.

Is one efficient when they are able to gain more than they gave? Like, investing in stock and getting more money back. Or developing interest off your money. (How did this turn into a money issue anyway?) What I am really getting at is perhaps there are different ways to be efficient, if that's the key.

Or maybe it's more about the experience. Maybe it's more about the journey than the destination. Maybe the journey is the destination. . .

- The writer then drifted off into a pondering mood...