Road Signs

If I may stop along the journey to reflect on the ways I've come...

    Do you know those moments? Those moments where you stop in wonder at where you've just come from, what has just happened... those moments where you realize and suddenly your breath is stolen away? Inspiration builds up in your chest, your heart beats a little faster... and you just wish you could write it all down, but there are not enough words; paint it out, but there are not enough colors; sing it in a melody, but your voice cannot reach all the notes?
    Ah! What a journey it's been! My fingers are far too clumsy to paint the picture with a song or a brush, even the stroke of a pen. Too much to tell! And do you know? It's not that my life is so much more extravagant or incredible. At least, not in the way you might expect at such a display. But I'm not overreacting. My God is so faithful!

    Road signs.
    A chief complaint of mine in this past year would most likely be, "I'm lost!" Anybody else relate? Not as in, I got in the car and I took a wrong turn. No, that's a perpetual state (it seems) that I've grown accustomed to. I'm talking about my spiritual walk. I'm talking about that feeling that everyone else around you seems to be going somewhere with confidence and direction, and they're all looking at you like you should be doing the same. Especially since it's you, you know. Of course, why not? It's you. But then you kind of look around like, "Uhm, what? Me? I--uh,... Did I miss something here?" So you kind of gather up your courage and stumble along, hoping to God you're going the right way.
    Can't relate? Oh. Well... Anyway, this year has been packed with lessons. Good grief! I remember talking to a friend who mentioned something that happened this past summer and I had to step back and think for a minute. It felt like it had happened three years ago. So much has happened this year. I have 200+ pages in my journal to prove it. That's not even counting a full little journal used only in Israel. And God has told me and promised me so many things. He is never late. I can see that now. I knew it, but now I can see it.

    Road signs.
    If you had asked me two months ago, I would have said I haven't had any recently. But it seems so impossible to say now. Even when I felt like I didn't have exact coordinates, He led me right where I needed to be. How? Surely by His grace, because it was certainly nothing I have done.
    Listen: Never let hope die, okay? Even when it seems impossible. God is in the business of doing the impossible. Did you know that an event that happens to but one in a billion people occurs six times a day? 2,000 times a year! You read that right. 1 in 1,000,000,000. NEVER give up hope. Especially in the things God has promised you. It's really not so impossible as it seems.
    But I would advise you in this: the Lord works in mysterious ways, yes? So who knows how or what will exactly come about in those things He has told you. He knows. Just know that if He told you, He will do it. Whatever that means. (Starting to see why I felt a little clueless this year? But suddenly, that's the "magic" of it! Suddenly, somehow, He's teaching me to read those road signs that, apparently, have been there all along.)

June 4, 2010 -
    "If I'm still breathing, I still have a mission.
It could be daring and adventurous in a thrilling, life-threatening way. Or it could be the noble and daring call of steadfast love towards a lost loved one.
Tomorrow (though non-existent as of yet) is another day."

March 21, 2010 -
    "What does the veil mean in a wedding?
Is it to hide the bride or to hide the groom?
The bride doesn't change, but her view of the groom becomes more clear. Perhaps so it is with Christ and the Church. One day, at the right time, just before Christ and His Bride are perfectly united, there will be an unveiling, and the Church will see the face of God more clearly than ever."

May 8, 2010 -
    "Strange.
    Yet wonderful.
My God is faithful. When I feel alone and sad, He reminds me He is near. He will never leave me nor forsake me. Even when I feel like I'm going crazy, when I just don't understand, my God is with me still. He never let's me go; never forsaking me, He remains my constant."

June 9, 2010 -
    "The sunrise was absolutely marvelous this morning.
Brightest pink I've ever seen from 30,000 feet."

August 21, 2010 -

    "The girl who writes on the next page might not be the same girl who wrote on this one...

or perhaps a more realized version of her...

or a renewed and transformed one.

Tomorrow in Jerusalem!!"

November 13, 2010 - 

    "I believe I have just discovered a secret.

I was pondering. Pondering the idea of will in salvation. Salvation is obviously an act of God. He is the Saviour. I am the "saviee", so to speak. Anyway, the idea of joy and duty and love crossed my mind.

It is not a joy to carry your cross daily? 

It is a joy because His yoke is easy. His burden is light.

What a trick! The world has made it everything you don't want. The hardest thing. Foolishness. Suffering.

But all of that is fallacy.

It's life. It's freedom. It is the easiest burden.

Love. Joy. Forgiveness. Renewal. Transformation..."

December 7, 2010 -

    "Why shall I not be in want? Because the Lord is my Shepherd."

December 17, 2010 -

    "Rest. Trust. Lean. Wait."

Flipping through some of the pages and reflecting on these last few months... I have only just now realized what a special time of rest this has been.

Time away.

Time alone in quiet.

Solitude & silence.

I'll cherish the last bits of it. I am thankful.

A beautiful year. Stunning. I have learned so much. And still I learn... And all I can think is that these things are but a shadow of the things to come.

Oh! How great is our God!

-=-

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, 

your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying: 

'This is the way; walk in it.' 

-[Isaiah 30:21]

1:52am

[Jessica Whitaker]

There are occasions in which comments come with perfect timing. Those times when you very least expect to hear them. When you weren't looking for them. When they come almost as if asking a question. "Did you know...?" Out of the blue.

Someone says it and suddenly the questions in your mind are stilled. The anxiety and doubt you didn't even know were boiling beneath the surface are revealed and dispelled in a moment. You are encouraged. You are reminded.

You are humbled.

And did you know it was so simple? Did you know it would be so easy? So paradoxically uncomplicated. [(I love speaking in riddles.)] Beautifully constructed. Methodically orchestrated. With purpose and intent. Did you know it would be so simple as this? Just remember: Even closer.

It's all hinged on this.

Not me. Him.

Praise God for His faithfulness.
Praise Him for His patience and unending mercy.
And glory to God, this unconditional love!

And I realize that I am still learning. Still growing. Still making mistakes. Still knowing. And it is in the stillness, when I let the waters quiet and become like a mirror, His reflection shows and I learn to move like He moves.

[Psalm 46:10]

The Coming of the Northern Winds...

    A "skill" I've come to acquire during my time in the Dominican Republic is an acute sensitivity to the weather. Alright, so that's a little be exaggerated, but truly, I notice things that I never did before. Like what the winds are telling you.
     You can tell a storm is coming when the wind gets moody and anxious. It kind of rolls like waves on a seashore. The other day while I was out with my little brother he mentioned the trees. "Listen! Listen to them sway." And, indeed, the wind was making the trees bend and whisper together. But this wind was not like other winds. I feel like Autumn is approaching.
    Now, you must understand something. There is no Autumn here. There's no Fall or Winter seasons. We are much too close to the equator for any of that. However, there is a period of what we will call Relent. For about three months (or four, if you're lucky) of the year, there is a time when the winds change and it grows cooler. Cooler, not cold... especially not by any American standards of the word. But it is pleasant.
    Even now, a cool breeze comes in my room, breathing in the morning...

    Just after I got back from Israel I stayed at my grandfather's house and went on walks through his lovely neighborhood. I often prayed on these walks alone. It was during one of these that God revealed another little piece of Himself to me.
    I cannot tell you what I was thinking right at the moment that it all occurred to me. It wasn't by process of personal theological argument or rationalism that I came to this conclusion. I suppose there is a time and a place for those things. I am not condemning them. But I want to make the point that it wasn't because of anything I did that allows me to know Him. He makes Himself known. I just -- well, I happen to be there.
    While walking and thinking back on my experiences in Israel... somehow I come around to the topic of adventures. I love adventures. They are a sort of personal challenge on my courage and fortitude. (It's interesting to note that those things imply a mental or spiritual strength.) Anyway, it's also just plain fun.
    Like cave diving. What is it called? Spelunking? It's great!
    Or... like exploring a new city. Or taking on a problem as it comes at you. How do you react? Which way do you go? I know a lot of people don't like to get lost. However, I perpetually live in this state, it seems. For example, I was with a friend on their college campus. I knew I was in the United States, in a particular state, in a particular city, on that particular campus. Sure. I even knew where it was in relation to other cities. But could I get you back to where I just came from? No way. I could guess. I have a pretty good sense of direction. Maybe I just don't pay attention enough... But here's the thing: I don't get flustered when I get lost. It's kind of like, "Okay, there has to be another way. Now it's just finding it." An adventure.

    Time out: Let's not get crazy. If it was my wedding day and the driver can't find the church or something like that and I'm already late because - after growing up in an event-oriented instead of time-oriented latin culture - my hair appointment went over time, so I know everyone's waiting on me and I can't help the driver because I don't know where I am...? I'd be a little frustrated. That's when I'd pray and ask for directions. God forbid that ever happens. :)
    Moving on...

    I have a love for adventure.
    A love for the newness of things.
    The unexplored.
    And I remember on my walk being disappointed all of the sudden. I can't remember exactly why. Perhaps the idea of "nothing new under the sun" came to mind. Maybe a cynical, dreary thought crossed my consciousness: Those are special cases. Cave diving. Visiting new lands... That's not what your life will actually look like. Maybe it was the idea that everything or everyone could eventually be known and the mystery would be gone. I don't know what it was. But a sad feeling came over me.
    Suddenly, I looked up. Did I hear that right? Can it be true?

I Am your Adventure.

    My heart began to flutter and my mind swirled with the thought.

    No matter how long I may search God or know Him, no matter how deep I go, I can still and forever go deeper. "We are tiny grains of sand on an eternal shore, the waves of the infinite ocean are falling, rushing towards, meeting us with the slightest kiss, then rushing back out to the unsearchable depths, begging us to be swept in and away. And a thousand miles in, we've only just begun to know..." -B.W. Murray

He is my constant.

And He is my adventure.

    God has forever been the same, but we are just knowing Who He is. That's the adventure. Our whole lives can be spent getting to know just parts of Him. Small parts. Each experience is an opportunity to learn something new. What is He trying to tell us? Not about us or for our own sakes. What is He trying to tell us about Himself? 

    And do you know? That's what is so amazing about fellowship. When you get together with other people and begin to know them, they share some of those other revelations of God with you. They have other pieces to the puzzle. Time spent in fellowship with other believers buried in the Scriptures is as sweet to the soul as honey is to the tongue.

    We seek and we find. 

    If I'm right, the season of Relent is coming. Perhaps in more ways than one... Who knows? God knows. All I know is: wherever He may be, I want to be there. No matter where that is. Why? Well... it's sure to be an adventure.

Heroic Ages and Hundreds of Pages to Go...

Has it already been almost a month since I've been back from Israel? Really?

As of late, I've been doing more reading than writing. I have random bouts of that it seems.
I recently went to a yard sale and bought, oh, probably 8 books or so. A couple of novels, some philosophy, a history book or two. My biggest challenge is my Humanities textbook. Oh it's interesting... that's the problem. 599 pages bigger than my head, and I'll want to read and psychoanalyze every single one. As fascinated as I am with all of this faddle on the Heroic Age of ancient Greece... there's just no time for it. I have work to do. So much to do!
But a wise friend once told me: "You don't have any more work than He has for you." And He has never given me anything I couldn't handle before... (Oh no, we're not getting into that whole lesson of time management again, are we?)

I should write with purpose if I'm going to write at all. So why am I writing all of this? I never meant for this blog to be a sort of journal. Perhaps a collaboration of thoughts... Perhaps hints of inspiration. Certainly something that will at least get you thinking for a little while. Maybe all of this jumping around is due to my lack of writing as of late.

I've also been reading an old blog of mine from a few years ago. I like to go through things like that from time to time. It's almost like visiting an old friend. Some of the things I wrote, the truths I understood and related with such conviction... is it possible to forget such things? My hope is that when those moments of understanding take place and then flutter away, that somehow they took root in my soul though they've left my present and immediate consciousness. That they are tucked away deep in my heart. Written. Carved into my very being.

My last journal entry before I left for Israel says, "The girl who writes on the next page might not be the same girl who wrote on this one... or perhaps a more realized version of her... or a renewed and transformed one."
I'm only hoping that happened. That something took root. Maybe I just have to water it (or let it be watered), and it will soon bloom into something.
I don't feel any different, but it's not about feelings anyway, is it? I have never felt different. As years have gone by I have been me, though my understanding deepens and my knowledge grows. My essence remains.



I am beginning to feel like Israel wasn't the beginning or ending of anything. Though the sun set in the picture above, my last snapshot of the Holy Land, it hasn't set on this season. (Though this season is beginning to feel like a winter in the Arctic Circle. Or is it summer?) What I mean is, it seems to be a transition... or something. A shift of sorts. A realignment, maybe. I don't know yet. I'm still trying to figure it out.
Because it's been a different kind of challenge. Not a struggle, not a breeze. It's like a meandering twist of unexpected turns rather than a horizontal movement. And I'm wondering how many pages I have to go in this chapter until it starts making sense.
But oh, the paradox of me! How I love a mystery.